Snooze Sandwich

Ok, here's the thing. Pregnant women have weird dreams. Also, pregnant women think about food a lot. (Or at least this particular pregnant woman does.)

Over the past couple of days, my dreaming self has come up with a couple of food-related inventions that seemed positively BRILLIANT at the time. But, strangely enough, those same ideas seemed kind of...well...freaky in the bright light of day. Regardless, I still rather like them and want to tell you all about them.


And, so, I present to you...Sketchy Idea #1: The Tums Necklace

The fact is: I eat a lot of Tums these days. They help with the heartburn that is part and parcel of me being pregnant. AND they have calcium.

Win-win.

Consequently, when George and I went out to dinner the other night without the kids (also known as a DATE!), I felt lost without my Tums at the end of the meal.

Later that night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a BRILLIANT idea: The Tums Necklace. --Simple, really. You take a bunch of Tums, drill tiny holes in the center, string them together, tie them around your neck, and Voila! A stylish solution to a pesky problem. --And, since Tums come in either fruity colors OR in plain white (my preference), you can plan your necklaces to match your outfits.

A lovely spring garden party? Fruity Tums Necklace.

An elegant night out on the town? Winter-White Spearmint Tums Necklace.

And when you start feeling that heartburn creeping up your esophagus (and you will, trust me...you will), you just discreetly lower your head and take a little nibble on your necklace.

Problem solved.

(Ok. Yes, I realize it's a rip off of the candy necklace idea. But so much more useful, yes? ...No? --Oh, well...)

Next, allow me to present to you...Sketchy Idea #2: The Snooze Sandwich.

Bear with me on this one. Since I came up with this between 6:30 and 7:00 am while our alarm clock was going off every seven minutes, I'm a little fuzzy on how it could actually exist in reality.

Here it is: Instead of alarm clocks on our bedside tables, we should all have ham and cheese sandwiches. And these sandwiches would somehow be imbedded with an alarm feature. And, like any good alarm clock, it would also have a snooze function.

So, let's say you set your sandwich alarm for 6:00. But, of course, 6:00 is an ungodly hour. So when the alarm goes off, you need a little snooze. So you pick up your delicious sandwich and take a bite.

You roll over. You go back to sleep. Seven minutes later, the alarm goes off again.

Pick up the sandwich. Take a bite.

Repeat until the sandwich is gone. At this point, you either wake up for the day with a nice full tummy (and maybe take a little nibble on your Tums Necklace). Or, you stay in bed until lunch because--hey, why not?

TAH-DAH!!

By the way, if anyone knows how to secure a patent on these inventions, please let me know. I don't want anyone stealing my good ideas.